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THE PAPER CHASE:
Well tuesday I got the phone call that made my life. My one grand that is owed
to me is on the way. Or was it? I was supposed to get it on wednesday afternoon,
but unforseen circumstances (admittedly no one's fault), it couldn't be done.
So the person who owed me was gonna give it to his friend to give me on thursday.
So as I called this person when he should've still been sleeping (1:24 pm),
he said he was gonna hit the shower and be on his way out and that I needed
to hurry. I told him, I'll be at most 45 minutes. He said he will wait an hour.
He lives in the heart of downtown, I live in Burnaby. Traffic starts to be a
mofo at around now, especially downtown. Anyways, despite being specifically
warned not to speed, I speed. I'm flying through streets, switching lanes left
and right, and I get there just before 2:00 pm, ring up his apartment, no answer,
call his cell, find out he's nowhere close to downtown and end up having to
go back home with pretty much no chance at my money. I'm sweating beans now
because I really want this cash. The longer it's out of my hands and I know
I can have it, the harder it is for me to sleep. Regardless, I get home dejected
and call Hodge to vent out my anger to someone (ps. Thanks for listening to
me complaining big guy). Friday rolls along and I call the guy who should've
given me the money wednesday. He says he'll come around 6ish, I say that won't
do because I'm a busy man. He then agrees to my request to meet in Burnaby and
has his friend meet me at Metrotown. Sure enough, as I arrive to our meeting
spot, his friend is there with my money and justice is served. Long live FunBo's
Fat Pockets Of Style.
JUGGLING THREE:
Wednesday afternoon, I was up to nothing special aside from listening to some
music on the computer. I spotted three tennis balls and flashed back to the
summer where I learned to juggle two balls (tennis balls, you sick perverts).
Then I said to myself "I'm gonna learn to juggle three, fuckeneh!". And sure
enough as the power of Prince was blaring in the background, as he was telling
me what it sounds like when doves cry, reminding me that his father was too
cold and his mother was never satisfied, I relentlessly practiced and now I
have something to show for it: I can juggle three tennis balls.
MAN EATING SALAD RADIO
SHOW: I want to spread the word on a sweet new online radio show. It's called
"Man Eating Salad". It's hosted by a close aquaintance of mine who goes by the
name of Shag One. The station plays hip-hop and electronica so if that's your
bag, check it out. Even if it isn't your bag, give it a try. It's on fridays
2-4 pm eastern 11am - 1pm Pacific). The address for the radio show is: http://kvdu.du.edu
CLICK HERE
TO SEE THE FLYER.
THE NIGHT AT EARL'S:
Wednesday night, Hodge gathered together what he called "the penis party". Before
you start assuming bad things, it simply meant a guys night out. A bunch of
us went to Earl's to have dinner which was quite the experience. We sat outside
in the balcony area and there was a table of 20 or so that was there apparently
since 6 pm (we got there at 10:30-ish). I came with Warren, whom I picked up
from Home Depot and Hodge came with Mark and Henry. Julio also came after all
of us. So we all got there and as we ordered, we made it our prime objective
to confuse the hell out of our waiter. As a sidenote, what kind of disrespect
is it to give a table of 6 guys a male waiter? What a shafting!!! Anyways, we
basically all had wings since it was wing wednesday.
The highlight of the night, however, came after we ate. We all drove back to
the Depot because Warren's car was there. The battery needed a jump and Hodge
had the cables. However, we had a better idea. We thought we would all push
the car while Warren tried to start it up. Well that didn't work. At all. We
ended up pushing the car around the whole parking lot before giving up and just
going back to square one to jump it with the cables. And with that, we pretty
much all called it a night. On a sidenote, I know that's not the real Earl's
logo but I like this one better so I used it.
WARREN'S FAREWELL:
Friday night, the Depot had a farewell party for Warren at Maverick's. Hodge,
Chris and I also went. We were supposed to meet Warren there at 10:30 pm. We
got there a bit early and Warren got there a bit later than expected...like
11 pm. Anyways, the three of us had a plan to get Warren smashed or at least
get him to puke. We fed him about 10 shots in the span of 10 minutes, including
6 right off the bat. After 18 or so shots, including a cement mixer, Hodge brought
out the coup de grace: the double shot of 151. Warren took it and then the yak
face came out. Shortly after, Warren made a bee-line to the bathroom and emptied
himself, tecnicolor hurl style. It was good times and after that, we took ourselves
to Wendy's. It was me, Hodge, Chris, Jory and Warren. Warren was being a charmer
with our waitress (her name was Betty). Most of our stay involved insinuating
whether one of us was gay (target shall remain anonymous). Also, Warren stole
one of my fries so I stole five back. It makes sense because I had cheese fries.
Mmmmm...cheese fries...soooooo good. I was forced to stop eating before I was
done because Warren is a selfish crybaby and wanted to go to sleep as soon as
he was done his food (sorry man, the truth hurts). I wasn't bitter though, even
though it was a waste of my cash, but such is life. Either way, I had good fun
that night.
TENNIS: A great week for tennis because of the money weather around here.
MONDAY: Jeff and I headed up to the courts at Barnet and had a three-setter. I won the match 6-3, 4-6, 6-1. I had naked power going on (not really naked, just shirtless) and I was on fire. After that, we ruled slurpees were in effect. I've really gotten into slurpees lately. Especially sour apple. So good. However, we went to 7-11 and I was faced with a killer dilema: Fuzz Bomb Peach or Minute Maid Orange? Why must the good looking be faced with such tough decisions. In true FunBo fashion however, I got a mix. Good plan right? Yes, except for the fact that the slurpee was super birdy and probably the sweetest thing on earth with sugar. It was really an impossible task finishing off the 1.18 litre slurpee, but somehow, I persevered, much to the detriment of my health and well-being. But hey, no one said being a tough mofo was easy.
TUESDAY: Stephen Jeff and I headed down to Burnaby Lake to get some night tennis action. We went a bit before 10 and it was packed there. However, soon enough we got a court. We did rock scissors paper to see who was the odd man out. For the first game, Jeff was the oddball. After that, I won a second game of RSP to win first service game. I was on quite a winning roll, taking my first four matches before bowing out to Jeff in the fifth game. We all quit at that point and headed back home. It was great times. Especially when we left honking the horn at everyone there.
SUNDAY: Double tennis
action today. Early afternoon, I went to play tennis at Squint Lake with Filip.
It was good fun since I haven't seen him in a long time. We decided one set
was too short so we played first to 9 games and Filip handed me my ass in 9-6
fashion. After that, we went to Hasty Market to buy a couple of Mountain Dew
slurpees and then we chilled out by the bridge with some people from my old
townhouse. There's nothing more classic then 12 guys on a bridge, chilling with
a vicious pitbull, passing the dutchie and dissing the unruly. Ahhh...classic
summer moment. Later that night, I went to Burnaby Lake to play with Jeff. I
had some serious dizziness issues at first but water solved that. Our game was
incredibly competitive and close. I won both sets, but both of them went to
tiebreakers. I won the first one 7-3 and the second one 7-4. I have never played
a game that close but I was duly impressed with how much fun it was. Very tense
stuff. After that, our ride home took forever because of some go-tard convoy
in front of me while I was driving, so I got tough and whipped around the slow
bastard. Go-tards make me cry.
WWF SMACKDOWN: On
thursday night, Hodge and I headed over to Chris P's place to watch WWF Smackdown.
It was a pretty epic episode including the massive brawl after the first hour
of the show. We tried experimenting with an attempt to call each other by our
middle names but it was futile. Anyways, as the show concluded, Farah called
Chris and asked if we wanted to come over and play a game. All of us agreed
and we took Pictionnary with us. First off, was a stop at the pizza place by
Joyce station...home of the 10 dollar jumbo pizza (18 inches!!!). We got a ham
and pineapple and then went off to 7-11. This 7-11 was ghetto. There was a snaggle-toothed
bum and his trusty sidekick doing the whole social commentary-slash-solicitation
deal in front of the store and as we went in, two hookers came in too. One made
some kind of smart-ass remark about a slow moving line. If I was that poor guy
working the till, I would've called that bitch out on her blatant hookerness.
But I wasn't that guy so nothing happened. As we left, Snaggle Tooth tried to
spit his best game to one of the hookers but she was all Hall & Oates on him
with the "I Can't Go For That" vibe. Feeling happy at what we saw, we headed
to Farah's where she was there with Rajesh and we were later joined by Crista
and her friend Tom. We split the teams and I was with Chris and Rajesh. In the
end through superior play, we won. We even overcame an absolutely bogus claim
of cheating, one that no foundation at all. I personally was deeply hurt, but
through mental power, overcame to help lead our team to victory. Hooha!!! That
was pretty much the end of the night because Hodge wussed out on playing against
me in Fifa with 2 minute halves. 2 MINUTE HALVES....Oyyy!!!
PING-PONG: After
a super long hiatus, my dad and I played ping-pong for the first time in ages.
In the first game, I appeared to be in control, then my dad had a late charge
and beat me 21-15. I was choked but kept my composure. My eye of the tiger skills
helped me win an epic game 2 by the score of 25-23. The table was set for a
historic game three, however, fueled by my incredible win, I beat the tar out
of my dad and cruised to a 21-10 victory. He never mentioned a word to my mom.
Funny, he normally mentions stuff when HE wins. Muhuhahahaha!!!
AMERICAN PIE RITUAL: The ritualistic watching of American Pie at Hodge's place continued last week. On wednesday, I watched it although Hodge was asleep for most of it and he came out around the end to ask how it was and I said "same as always". I don't know, I just can't get enough of that movie. Which is why I came over the next night after Pictionnary and wathed it with his sister and her friends who were spending the night. However, I haven't seen it since thursday and I need to see it. I'm going through withdrawl. Noooooooooo!!!
THE NIKE CASE: Well,
I am in the midst of pimping Nike for some new shoes. My year old Nike Max Airs
that I had months before they were out in Canada are just about toasted. That
really hurts looking at your ugly shoes when you dropped 210 bones plus tax
on them. They have no soles anymore and the cloth is tearing apart. Those kids
in Malaysia just aren't pulling their weight like they used to. Sigh. Anyways,
I'm currently in negotiations with Nike Canada for some replacements or shoes
or equal value. I added pics of what the 2000 Air Max (my shoe) looks like and
the one I am hoping to get out of Nike, the 2001 Air Max (on the right) More
news will follow in future issues of FunBo's House Of Style.
SALMON AWARD: This
week's Salmon Award goes to absolutely no one. It was like I was on the pitcher's
mound cuz no one wanted to step to the plate. Please people, you know you want
the award, so why fight it simply to make me ask you. Fill out the email form
and say "Bobby, give me the damn salmon award. I deserve it!!!". And
like that, your wish shall be my command. So jump on that email form at the
bottom of the page.
THE ONION.COM TOP ARTICLES:
FunBo's House of Style may have some frivolous news and I know that because I have a voice, that leaves me with the responsibility of bringing you some real news. That is where our good friends at theonion.com come in. Here is the latest news from The Onion:
WORD ON THE STREET:
D*BOT 9000 made a sweet movie homage to me and I figure it would be an injustice
not to share it with you. So without further adieu, here it is for your pleasure.
CLICK HERE TO WATCH
THE MOVIE
FUNBO ALBUM REVIEW:
Recently, a member has brought it to my attention that I have been straying
from my roots. The roots that brought gave my fan club so much promise and potential.
Not happy with the past few weeks' album reviews, he suggested I take it back
to doing music that isn't pop-dominated. So with that, I return to the roots
and for this member, I give you not one but TWO album reviews this week. Binary
Star's epic debut "Masters Of The Universe" and Illogic's "Unforseen Shadows".
BINARY STAR "MASTERS
OF THE UNIVERSE""Masters Of The Universe" is the revamped and re-released
version Binary Star's underground opus "Waterworld". It's similar to how Eminem
changed and added songs to his "Slim Shady EP" to make "The Slim Shady LP".
Binary Star's release is probably the most amazing debut hip-hop has seen since
Nas' "Illmatic". The production on this album is incredibly original and full
of fresh thought. Lyrically, both emcees come amazingly nice. On "Conquistadors",
the beat is almost like a Dukes Of Hazard type action sequence. Both emcees
trade nice lines such as "No need to practice this/Cuz every line on my papyrus/Is
naturally disast-er-ous/" and "A bad habit, feening for the potency/I'm the
narcotics anonynomous dope emcee". On "The KGB", Binary Star bring heat with
many of Detroit's finest as well as legendary Chicago battler, Juice who displays
nicely with lines like "The only person who could kick a doper line would be
God". They also manage to send one out to the lady of their life without compromising
their integrity with the incredible "Evolution Of Man". Other great tracks on
this album are "Reality Check", "Slang Blade", "Honest Expression" and "Glen
Close". Stop reading the newsletter, get this album, fill out the form below
to thank me and then read the rest of this issue.
ILLOGIC "UNFORSEEN SHADOWS": Illogic's "Unforseen Shadows" is one of those albums destined to be an unrecognized classic by many for all the wrong reasons. To find a comparable album, think of Ras Kass' "Soul On Ice". "Unforseen Shadows" is a lyrical masterpiece that rarely has the production to match. However, their are times where producer Blueprint manages to hit it on the nose. Perfect examples of this are on "Angel" and the masterpiece of this album (and maybe the masterpiece of the century) "Hate In A Puddle". After listening to the album, most knowledgable fans will agree that Illogic ranks among the upper class of hip-hop's lyricists. He displays great versatiltiy in switching from amazing battle lyrics ("Blaow" and "Me Vs. Myself") to amazingly conceptual poetics ("Hate In A Puddle" and "Angel"). The lyrics alone make this album a must have, and the aforementioned "Hate In A Puddle" holds more substance than what most people claim is an "album".
BABE BATTLE 33:
Last week concluded the first round of babe battle with Jamie-Lynn Sigler defeating
Sophia Vergara. Round 2 begins with our first winner, Ali Landry, taking on
Alyssa Milano. CLICK HERE TO VOTE ON THE BABE BATTLE.
BASEBALL POOL: Well, I slipped a little but thanks to huge day on sunday, the damage was minimal. I still added some distance between myself and my closest pursuers, Jerred and Curtis. Meanwhile, Jory gained a hefty amount on me this week. Here are the up-to-date standings:
| BIG BAMBINO BABE RUTH (Jory) | 2559 |
| Cool Mother Funkers (Bobby) | 2264 |
| Friday Night (Jerred) | 2190 |
| Supermand Squad (Curtis) | 2156 |
| The Flipmode Squad(Jaydon) | 1868 |
| Jory's Farm Team (Jory as Warren) | 1714 |
WARREN'S COOL THING
OF THE WEEK: Warren's cool thing of the week is the smell of new tennis balls in a just-opened container. Don't ask cuz you don't want to know the truth behind it all. As a sidenote, Warren I should alert, Rick Sami thinks his car should be cool thing of the week. He wants to race you in what his friends call "The Silver Bullet" so be warned.
RANDOM NOTES: The
important call on tuesday comes through, virtually saving my behind from sure
death at the hands of the government...I will get Nike, oh yes, count on it...Also,
count on me and my partner in crime getting our magical street sign. Partner-in-crime,
if you are reading this, should we videotape our act? I think it would add tough
factor to it...thursday was a bad day to be driving...if you're a go-tard, everyday
is a bad day to be driving...oh yes, I can juggle three balls...best song you
haven't heard yet? "Bounce Rock Golden State" by Golden State Warriors (which
is Xzibit, Saafir and Ras Kass)...Cormega's "The Realness": sawwwwwweeeeeet!!!...I'm
52% slut, woohoo!!!!...it's been so long since I've touched my playstation.
ohhh, how I pine for my playstation...things I did at work this week that had
nothing to do with work: looked at how fast clouds were moving, shot rubber
bands at objects, read magazines, watched soccer games, rode a book truck through
the stacks, gazed at the nice weather outside, took extra long breaks, pitied
myself, sang, listened to cd's, c-walked, looked for books to take home, played
with the computer, sat in a comfortable chair and did nothing, layed down, walked
around shoeless, went to my car pretending I forgot to lock the door, and finally,
doing nothing at all...I'm out like blown fuses.
If you have any comments, suggestions, questions, etc, please feel free to use the following form mail to contact FunBo's House Of Style.